[Trish Perry] Discernment in Romantic Relationships

“The mind of the discerning acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks it.“
– Proverbs 18:15 CSB

The novella I wrote for Mountain Brook Ink, More Than Meets the Eye, is included in a set called In Love and War. The theme that connects the four stories is adversarial relationships that take a turn for the romantic.

In my story, the heroine is thrown into a working relationship with a man from her past, someone she thought she would always be able to avoid. She’s not an unkind girl, but she wants to be discerning. And as the verse above states, a discerning mind is a wise thing to possess, especially these days. We women of faith need God’s guidance more than ever in our personal relationships, especially the romantic ones, where our emotions can interfere with wisdom.

In an article for iBelieve.com, author Debbie McDaniel points out the kinds of men discerning Christian women should avoid: unbelievers, abusers, addicts, narcissists, control freaks, hot-tempered men, men still “tied” to Mama, flirts and cheaters, liars, and men who have poor work ethics or a lack of control with money. You’d think all of those “types” would be obvious, but they’re not always easy to spot. It takes time around a person, fervent prayer for transparency, and a willingness to walk away from an attractive man waving a red flag before vows are taken and promises are made to God.

I don’t pass judgment in saying this. I stand before you as a woman who thought she was discerning enough and still ended up on her knees before God, begging forgiveness and deliverance when her marriage fell apart. I know it’s hard to get it right. So my novella’s heroine is a woman more focused on strong faith, honesty, and a noble heart than on a handsome face and charm.

In the same vein, it takes a discerning mind to appreciate when one has a good, God-guided man. He won’t be perfect (and neither will you), but a good man helps a good woman get it right, and vice versa. That’s a life-long task and privilege.

My heroine was wise to seek good judgment. However, if you read More Than Meets the Eye, you’ll see that some of her seeking was unwittingly done in the wrong quarters. I know I’m a stereotypical woman, in that I love to talk and I love to listen. But God cautions us to lean on Him when we do so, as opposed to believing gossip and slander. “A dishonest man/woman spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28 ESV) If we hope to develop and maintain strong romantic relationships, we’d be wise to put His words front and center.